: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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