Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I want her autograph on my taint
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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