I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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