The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
