I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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