If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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