im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
