I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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