I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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