I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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