guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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