So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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