Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
