he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
