My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
