that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
