I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
