too bad you live with your parents still
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
