New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
