I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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