You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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