They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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