how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
