my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
