i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
