Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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