Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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