she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The beer is more important than you right now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
