So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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