i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
