Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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