Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
