I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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