Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
