Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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