My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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