I accidentally had phone sex last night
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize