Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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