So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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