She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
