What a fucking waste of an outfit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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