the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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