I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
