I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
