Me. At least after what I've been through.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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