cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
