Is it because I queefed?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
