She is in my trunk
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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