Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
