Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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