I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
