if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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