put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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