Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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