If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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