the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
